Dan’s Perfect Life

The girl next to me in Starbucks has an accent straight out of Mexico City and it’s making me want to die. I just tried to change seats and just as I was taking my computer to a better seat a man appeared out of nowhere and thieved it. So now I’m back, listening to this girl, and it’s terrible.


But I’m not here today to talk about this girl. I’m here today to talk about my new book, Dan’s Perfect Life, which just came out (see: I clicked “publish”) on Amazon. I wrote it a couple years ago during a week in Buenos Aires. I’d go to a cafe everyday, scribble longhand, and then in the afternoon, or maybe when I had already left Buenos Aires, I transferred it to the computer.

The book’s about a guy named Dan who wants to lead a “perfect life.” To do this, he sells everything he owns, goes to a lake in upstate New York, and doesn’t eat or talk to anyone for a week. After the week is over, he starts hitchhiking West. He meets a girl from the Canadian town of Hearst, a small town in Northern Ontario that’s the “Moose Capitol of the World” and also 85% French speaking. He goes moose hunting with the girl’s dad. And then he hitchhikes to Manitoba, and Montana, and eventually to Seattle, where he has a somewhat revelatory experience while standing at the top of the Volunteer Park water tower, looking out at the treetops.

I’ll be the first to admit this is not a good book. But man, you should’ve read the first draft, which was an embarrassing disaster. But luckily, since I’m covetous and miserly with my first drafts, you shall never read it (unless you pay gross sums of money). What you can read, especially if you’re a fan of purchasing digital books from the Mom & Pop online retailer “Amazon,” is the second draft. The second draft is slightly better. It still reads a little bit like a bad teen novel, or something you might’ve written in seventh grade, but it’s a little better.

But enough talking it up!

This book is a perfect example of how caffeine makes you think you’re creative, when you’re actually not. Beware of caffeine, especially if you consider yourself a “creative type.” But! If you consider yourself a “creative type,” or God forbid a “creative,” then I’m afraid you have more pressing issues than your caffeine intake. But I don’t think I’ve ever written anything that was legitimately good while under the influence of caffeine. Caffeine speeds your brain up, but to be creative your brain needs to move slow. Or maybe “contemplative” is a better word. But when you’re on caffeine you don’t want to contemplate anything. The only thing you want to do is do push-ups and scream at people.

This book is also available on Amazon Japan here.

And at Amazon.com here:

It’s also available at a slough of other international Amazons, like Amazon Italy and Amazon India. If someone from Amazon India buys this book I think I’ll be able to die content.

Another way to receive this book is to sponsor me on Patreon, which only costs $1 a month and contributes to my ostentatious lifestyle here in Guadalajara, the fancy dinners and cars, the Youthberry teas at Starbucks, the tacos and tortas.

This is the first complete work of fiction I’ve ever written. I’m working on another novel now that’s much more appealing (at least to me), and set on the Washington State Ferries. It should drop sometime in April of 2029. For now, you’ll just have to content yourself with my daily musings, and with a novella about an investment banker who gives everything up to chop firewood in Montana and figure out what life’s really about. Even if he fails.

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